Crappidy Crap Crap

Totes in a bahumbug mood today folks. It generally hits right before an exam. I'm glad my family's use to it. You know, the usual, I hate med school, I'd rather do anything else jargon. It's not justified, so I'll save you my rantings and whining. Well, perhaps a little whine. Speaking of wine, I could really go for a nice glass right now. Who's up for getting all fancied up and having dinner at the Tavern and having a glass of nice wine?





Anywho, I seriously still like med school. I like learning. I like doing well on exams. I like knowing stuff that other people can merely webmd (cheaper and makes more sense, just saying). I'm just burnt out of med school. These past 2 weeks have kinda been like a trial by fire with brief interuptions dueto snow storms. Thankfully I've mad it through but I'm coming out with mixed emotions; triumphant, thankful, and tired. Triumphant because I passed. Thankful that I've gotten some grace and that I'm still passing. and Tired because it's all just so emotionally, physically and intellectually draining.





So last week was the Backstreet Boys cruise that I didn't get to go on. I'm a mixed bag about it too. I think I handled being suck taking exams pretty well. After the friends got back I looked at their pictures and even found a few videos on youtube. It was almost like I was there. My deal wasn't necessarily about hanging out with the Backstreet Boys. This could be a coping mechanism but part of me thinks meeting them would totally ruin the fantasy. I would totally be thinking "you're only being nice bc I paid you to" and wondering "gosh, do they think I'm as crazy as psycho 'I heart bsb' tattoo chick beside me". So, I would have been happy with just a cruise. Just a break, something fun, something that people who didn't sell their souls to the med school god do.





That's my funk these days friends. I guess it's always my funk. I just feel like med school is that brazen moocher friend that doesn't care to mooch. You know, the friend that feels like he's entitled to just take all your stuff. Yeah, that's med school. Anyway, I'll leave you with the funniest video from the cruise and a photo of my lucky friends.

http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5i8tjXULZs







Backrow: Brian (orange shirt), Momma Terri (Mary Beth's Mom, red shirt), Howie (tan shirt), Tiara (teal shirt), Aj (black vest) and Mary Beth (white dress), and the lovely Nick in the floor

High School Never Ends

For the past couple weeks, I've been toying with the idea of being a grown up. By age, I'm a adult but I don't feel grown up not even one bit. I wonder, what makes a grown up a true grown up? Is it things like decorating your living space, making sound decisions confidently, having a well put together wardrobe? Or more like magically having the perfect come back, your signature drink and a steady 9-5? Maybe it's being up to date on current events such a politics and economics. I sincerely don't know. I'm starting to believe though, we never actually feel like grown ups.


I know I don't. I'm sure some of my feelings of un-grownupness stems from my skewed idea of what a grown up is and partially because I'm still in school and live with my mom (but that's a whole different story). Another part of me wonders if adult life is just one big continuance of high school. Granted some of the players have changed. The geeky girl grows into her face and becomes smoking hot and has a successful career (or reality show) and is now the Queen Bee. The former Queen Bee from high school is now a crack whore in need of rehab.

All this Queen Bee talk makes me think of Mean Girls. Adult Mean Girls. There's a book about it called Mean Girls Grown up by Cheryl Dellasega. Without even opening that book, I know most women are still talking about who's sleeping with who and how terrible so and so is. I'm not going to lie I'm just as guilty. And as I write this, I think man I need to get out more. I need to watch the news, figure out some educated answer for what I think about the health care debate. I want to say I don't care about who Sally's sleeping with. For the most part I really don't, but there's something easy about random chatter. Dare I say even second nature? Anyway, I have no idea where this all came from and I'd easily say this wasn't the post I intended. Have a great day all.

I want this baby

Hey guys I know it's been a while. 1 word, Renal. that about says it all. The kidneys are dumb because I feel dumb when I try to learn them. Enough about the stupid kidney's I have to tell you about this baby I want!

So I have this friend doing mission work in Kenya. He's been updating his photos pretty regularly. I think, aww nice, he's doing missions work in Kenya. Hanging out with the babies in the orphans and stuff. Yay, kids! You go boy with your bad self! Go Missionary, Go! I'm going to eat my chocolate and consider doing p90x while you're getting shoes for the children. God's called me to the US. Until I saw this precious little child that I may fly to Kenya to get if my friend doesn't bring him or her back for me.



Beautiful right? I'm not kidding this child makes me wanna give up my dreams of the 2 story home, suv and vacation home in West Palm to go get down and dirty with the orphans. I'm prayin it ain't so. I'd really like a house, and no regular immunizations and immigration paperwork. But check out that smile! I want that baby! Somebody better seize my passport! I'm pretty much there already.

Goodbye English Rose

I once said, when your life's falling apart, it's like watching your house burn down. There's not much you can do. You're thankful because, you've made it out alive, but at that very moment all you can think about is all your hopes and dreams just going up in flames. As you wait for help to arrive, you feel so hopeless and although you'd like to look away, you're transfixed by the amber flames against the night sky.

I guess I always imagined this metaphorical house burning to happen and night, in the winter while it's snowing. I think that just adds the the appeal. Fire- hot, red, smoky, destructive- against a backdrop of cold, white, gently flaking, seemingly peaceful snow. It just seems fitting. Your life falls apart as 2 oxymorons collide.

I'm not sure why that image just sticks with me. Even in it's fierce destruction I strangely find beauty in it. It wasn't until today I realized why.

I spent this afternoon with my mom's family. It's not unusual for us to get together and hang out but today was different. The reason we were all gathered is because my mom's cousin has pnuemonia. Not too tragic until you add on the fact that 3 months ago he was diagnosed with Advanced Small Cell Carcinoma. That changes the mood completely.

He was to be admitted to the hospital today for treatment of the pneumonia but he demanded that today be spent in the sunshine, enjoying this beautiful fall day with his family. And that's what we did. We just kinda set around and enjoyed each other's company. Appreciated each other for it's days like today that remind you that every day counts.

My paradigms have been shifted again. My world is a little of kilt. My vision of the house burning in the snow has changed from watching your life fall apart to watching your life come to and end. Now what seems like the biggest deal in the world doesn't seem to matter all that much. I remember when I hit my rough patch all I could think about was how terrible this was and what was I going to do next. What do you think about when you know your days are numbered?

I'm sure there are moments of denial. Flashes of regret. Mental notes of what you'd want the last thing you said to so and so to be. Perhaps reliving your best day over and over. Preparing what you might say to Jesus? Procuring a spot in Heaven? Today, I witness the strength and peace, snow, in my mom's cousin. Today, I saw a little bit of glory.

But I also witnessed the fire. What do you do when you love someone so much that you won't let them give up? I watched (admittedly in horror) as his daughter yelled and berated him for not going to the hospital right then for treatment. She kept yelling that one day could make a difference and that she didn't understand why she was there fighting for him if he was content with her just watching him die. At the time, I'm not going to lie, I was a little pissed. The student doctor in me just rose up and was thought "From a medical standpoint, really, one day doesn't matter. He's come to terms with it. Let him enjoy just today with his family in the sun. Yelling at him won't change the situation and this could be the last time he has the opportunity, so let him have it." The more I think about it, the more I see the beauty in her fire too. Had it been my parent, I'd be the same way. No one ever wants to say goodbye. Giving up is so final and we use any tactic we can to avoid the inevitable.

So that was majority of my day. I wish I had a videocamera so you guys could see what I mean. My words aren't doing much justice. I'm convinced today should be in a movie. Not to make entertainment from an very bleak situation but rather an outlet to show real human emotion. I think our lives get too busy to feel anything. We become so consumed with the bottom line that we forget to look for beauty.

As I left my aunt's house, I drove a road that I've driven thousands of times in my life. It's a charming little back road but something about it today was different. The fall leaves were absolutely gorgeous the sun shone through the trees at the perfect angle. Hollywood couldn't have captured it better. I saw God today. In the leaves, sun, fire and snow.

A little bit of this, A little bit of that

Howdy lovelies. It's October 4th!! Yay! It's my cousin's birthday. According to my board prep schedule, I am 3 days behind. Well, such is life, right? This week I shall get my life together, forreal. I just did not have it in me to do much of anything this weekend but let's recap what I did do.

Friday, I had lunch with the bestest. She makes my heart swell. There are truly very few people in the world like her. She's one of my preggo eggo friends and I can't wait to be Auntie Meagan!! Surly I can be excused from school the day this precious little girl (ok, so we don't know the baby's a girl but I'm saying she is) comes into the world. She and the hubby are going to make excellent parents. Just thinking about it makes me want to smile. So from lunch with Bekah after a series of randomness I ended up at her parents house. It's good to see my other family. They are the best. It's strange how I went from practically living at their house to seeing them a couple times a year. I shall fix this. Friday night I did the unthinkable and studied... board prep and respiratory system.

Saturday was full of hope. I thought, hmmm, I'm going to get tons done. Truth, I did nothing. Then around 6 something I get a text from Stephanie. Ultimately we end up getting dinner, complete with a martini for me and a mojito for her, and catching Easy A. What a freakin awesome little movie. So all in all Saturday rocked. Hung out with Steph and laughed my rear off. Oh yeah, I had the women's health screening Saturday morning. I'd rather block that out thanks.

Today, I'm really going to get my study on. I probably should be now but quit judging me. I'm about to shower and get ready to kill a robot. What what! I believe it's my favorite part of the med school. Those robots die and come right back to only die again. Gluttons for punishment. Anyway dear loves I better get my life together and study. Never know what the week may bring.

Uh-amazed

Just this very week, I have been caught completely off guard four times. I've just minding my own business then SURPRISE! I'm a little discombobulated and disoriented but after the initial shock I'm pleasantly delighted (as if you could be unpleasantly delighted).

This week the world became just a little smaller. People remained a little crazier. The sun moon and planets were all aligned and the angels were a signing. I was able to have a mid-exam nap and still pass. The bubonic plague I seem to be carrying in my lungs is annoying at worse. I got a letter in the mail that warmed my heart. I received good news from an old friend. I actually heard from another friend. I got set free from a lot of garbage that I was toting around.

I feel like God just blessed me this week. I can't quite explain it. I'm that person who loves to be surprised but utterly hates to be surprised if I have any inkling that a surprise is stewing. I love just a random Wednesday afternoon, your phone rings and a conversation changes the course of your life even if it's just for that moment. I realize I'm being all hippie and abstract. I'm cool with it. Some things are better when they aren't explained. I'm learning that, slowly.

Anyway, today marks the 1st day of October! I must admit, I'm pretty excited. This year I will do the Haunted Ghost Tour, you know, barring I get over the plague. October means it's still football season! Yeah! I'm not all that stoked about it getting ridiculously cold but I'm ok with the cooler temps. And I start prepping for boards today. An hour a day until Spring Break.. then we'll up the ante. Keep me honest friends! Speaking of boards, it seems as if my life planned next June without little insight from me. More details on June as it develops. I must go now. The tuberculosis is coming back, it's remedied by rest.

Shine as children do...

Dearhearts, it's been a while! There's so much to say. I've missed you dearly. I know, I know, I say that every time but it doesn't make it any less true. Lots to note.

First off, I've taken to online dating. Ok, there hasn't been much dating. More like facebooking smoking guys of similar interest and geographical location for a nominal fee. Translation, it ain't going so hot. As I've said before, I have the ability to attract the weirdos and freaks. So far, a month into eharmony, I have been matched with a 31 year old guy who proudly collects disability, a self proclaimed artist (aka, unemployed) and a guy who I go to school with who is absolutely not my type. I've also scouted out Plenty of Fish, Match and Christian Cafe. So far, duds. Plenty of Fish gave me good laugh. One guy's headline was "The best psycho ex you'll ever have"... hey boy what's your number you sound like just my type. I've gotten emails from a guy who thought we'd be perfect together because we were both from Africa. Another was confident that I was exactly what he was looking for. Another insisted on knowing my last name and where I lived. The 61 year old from Memphis that 'winked' at me. I felt the need to shower, twice, after that.

I know I sound kinda desperate. Truth is, I am. My ovaries are dying more and more each day and everytime I turn around another friend in preggo. I don't want babies just yet or ever maybe but I'd like to be heading in that direction. In all honesty, I don't even have a picture on Plenty of Fish and I don't think I actually filled out a profile. I just use it for stalking purposes. How else would I find interesting headlines like the one above? My Christian Cafe free membership was 10 days and it has long expired. My free Match membership expires Friday or Saturday and I'm canceling it because I ain't paying. I did pay for eharmony though. I had to know if the guy I thought went to school with me really went to school with me and you have to pay to see pictures. Turns out I was correcto. I thought 'well, I paid for a 4 month membership so I might as well give it a shot.' 2 weeks into it I got so irate at eharmony that I sent them a stern, ok outright mean, email demanding my money back. I got half and was able to keep my membership til January. So I'm going to give it another fair shake.

I'm kinda indifferent about online dating. Truth be told, I'm kinda a chicken. I'm not trusting enough to meet a total stranger in real life that I met online unless you know he looked like a Roman god. Roman god look a likes typically don't chop people up and put them in pieces in their pick up, right? No seriously, I'm not really sure what I'm after. A relationship? Maybe. I'm kinda doubtful. An experiment absolutely.

I've learned so much about myself in the past almost month of online dating. It truly is like ebay 'cept for people. I'm not sure how fair it either. I'm judging a whole person based on 1-5 photos, a paragraph and because an website said we were compatible. Something about that just doesn't click. I'm not going to lie, if it looked like you hit 1 too many branches when you fell out the fugly tree, I close the match. That's probably not fair. I've fallen pretty hard for non Roman god like guys who had the stellar personalities. You can't really get a feel for someone's personality based on a paragraph. I straddle with initiating communicating with the person who's hit too many fugly branches if I know I'm not physically attracted to him. Not to say, I wouldn't respond to communication if they messaged me first. I've chatted it up with a few guys who messaged me. One, in fact, I think I've made a friend in. So all isn't lost in the game of online dating.

Friends seem kinda hard to find these days. Most eggos are preggo or super busy or live far away or my lifestyle appears too busy or a combination of some sorts. Moving home has been interesting. The most non family interaction I get is at church and mandatory lab. OPP lab is especially bad, I don't know any of my classmates so when I'm looking for my lab partner I always look so lost. Kinda like the kid searching for his mom at walmart. I feel a little like I've missed out on something by moving from the burg. Moving back is a thought. I just feel like I need to find a way to meet more people or something. My life is ridiculously mundane at the moment.

I'm considering a tattoo. I know I'm fickle. Slightly morally opposed to obviously visible markings and too bashful to get one in a place that could only be seen in my skivvies. I'm not sure even what I'd get. I'll give it some more thought. Perhaps a 25th Birthday present? Perhaps.

A final word, I found this quote on a blog dedicated to literary tattoos (which prompted me to think I want one):

“I must learn to love the fool in me – the one who feels too much, talks to much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laught and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool.”
From Love me, love my fool: Thoughts from a psychoanalyst’s notebook by Theodore Isaac Rubin

We Need Da Funk

Gotta have that funk! Absolutely true.

Just earlier today I was freaking out that I missed six hours of lecture and was SOOO behind that I couldn't see straight. I did my normal pre-exam, "I don't want to be a doctor. There is no way I can learn all this crap by Monday. I will be the worst doctor ever. Why did anyone let me into medical school. I think I'll quit. Yes, tomorrow I will just quit," mantra. It never gets old. I'm not lying. I wish I were. Every time I have this anxious ramble going through my head, I convince myself I'm going to quit. Then, I take a nap (or call it a night) and feel better about it the next day. Today was a bit different really.

I feel like I've been in this "Med school I hate you. Med school you suck. Med school I give up everything (you know, like the cruise) because of you and all you give me is anxiety" funk for a while. No lie kids, 2 weeks ago I seriously thought about it just quitting. I even had a plan. I was just going to go to the Dean and quit instead of taking my exam. It was settled.

Most of this sounds like sheer test anxiety and that I probably need some good drugs and I don't debate you but it's something deeper. I genuinely loathed medical school with every fiber of my being. I felt like I was missing all the good parts of life while holding on to a dream. A dream that I wasn't sure was my mine anymore. Tonight, something amazing happened.

Like I said before, I was six lectures behind and DREADING, listening to this guest lecturer talk about pulmonary crap. I didn't care what he had to say. I just want to know what I need to know and take the test and go on to my next system. That's the mind frame I've been in. Just get through, learn what you need, take boards and go on rotations. Rotations has to be better. Just get there.

Anyway, as I'm listening to this guy, something shifts in me. My deep seated hatred of all things school related lifted a bit. I smiled while looking at notes. It was you know, a hallelujah moment. The heavens opened and the angels sang. Ladies and Gents (probably just ladies), I have found my calling. I shall be a pulmonologist and I'm thinking probably a pediatric one at that. No worries, the kiddos can call me Dr. C!

This shouldn't shock me one bit. That's the kinda doc I always said I'd be. At 12 I'd tell people I'd be a Pediatric Pulmonologist. I'm just thankful that God brought it back to my memory right when I was at the point of desperation. That's how God works though, just when you're about to give up, He steps in. Learning about how all the tests I had as a kid work and what they mean really rekindled the old flame. In the event God calls me to something else, I'm ok with it but I really needed these lectures (literal med school lectures) to remind me that He's called me to do this. I needed the persistent "I hate med school. Die med school die" to really make this revelation mean something. Hoped I encouraged your hearts love. Be sure to remind me of this post when I start my groaning again. Ciao.

Gaga on the brain

Yes so much really going through my head. I'd like to say one of the best shows from 1994 was My So Called Life. It's all types of tragic that it only lasted a season. Yes, I admit that I was only 8 in 1994 but honest to Betsy I remember watching it. The actual plot was vague as were the details but I remember it existing. I was in love with the show Daria back then too. Man, MTV in the 1990s explain so much of my current outlook on life. Tonight, you know, instead of studying, I decided to Hulu some old school My So Called. What a dream! You should Hulu it too, it very well might change your life.

A few notes, I have so serious Claire Dane hair envy. I'm a hater of natural red heads. There is nothing ever cute about having orange hair, exhibit a, Carrottop. I think a cross between fire engine red and alburn hair is just beautiful. Pretty pretty very pretty. Claire Dane, your colorist is dead on, work it baby!

There was this awesome quote! Here it is for your edification:

"It just seems like, you agree to have a certain personality or something. For no reason. Just to make things easier for everyone. But when you think about it, I mean, how do you know it's even you? And, I mean, this whole thing with yearbook -- it's like, everybody's in this big hurry to make this book, to supposedly remember what happened. Because if you made a book of what really happened, it'd be a really upsetting book." - Angela, My So Called Life

True, forreal. Some of you may know I've been experiencing a quarter life crisis. Yes, it happens often but this one was rather big. I'm not sure what the disturbance was in the universe that day but it shook the foundations of my world pretty big. Just plain chaos. It wasn't a single isolated event though. Definitely a culmination of just random small things. During this time of crazy I've learned a lot.

Like, in many ways I'm a lot like Angela. It's true, I can related to a 15 year old fictional character. I'm still trying to figure it out. More specifically, I'm trying to figure me out. The person I see these days ain't the chick I love. Every so often I'll get a glimpse of the real me and realize not all hope is lost.

I know I moan and complain about how I hate the person that med school has made me. It's true. I do. I can't blame it all on school. As Angela says "just to make things easier for everyone". I admire those people who live life uninhibitedly with reckless disregard of how their lives impact others. I don't actually believe those people exist but if they did, I'd think they were rockstars.

With that said, all in one week I came extremely close (like had I been at school I probably would have done it) to quitting school and I joined an online dating site. Come on there are good stories behind both (especially the latter). I've realized my angst with med school. I've always danced to the beat of my own drum. Always. I've never quite fit anyone's typical stereotypes as to who I should be. Come on, black girl who genuinely loves the Backstreet Boys, doesn't have kids and has never tried drugs-- my point exactly. I've never played much into labels. I've never let one thing in my life define who I was. Being black, a sick kid, raised by a single parent, and my obsession with boy bands are all great descriptors of what I'm about but not one isolated thing defines who I am.

In terms of relationships, I'm a daughter, a best friend, an aunt, a sister, an enemy, heck, even a frenemy, a med student, a blogger, and the list goes on and on. The one qualifier that everyone immediately runs to is 'med student'. I'm ecstatic that so many people in my life are so proud of me. Without their support, I would have quit a long time ago but I have other roles. I'm not 1 dimensional. With that being said, I've inadvertently become 1 dimensional. Most of my relationships have fallen by the way side. I don't have time to get lunch, or talk for 2 hours, and especially not visit if you live farther than like 10 mins away. Before med school, I devoted so much time to the relationships I had and the things that made me happy. If there was a concert that I wanted to see, I was there. Now, I have to check a schedule and see if there's an exam. These days med school takes up most of my life. I have no energy to pour into the things and people that make my life so rich. To be frank, I'm pretty pissed about it.

Everytime I turn around I'm sacrificing another element of what makes me me to molded by subtle (and sometimes blatant) force into this doctor who will one day save the world. I find myself wondering if when that one day comes there be any of 'me' left. Will I still want to save the world or just want a cup of coffee and a cigarette? Is it worth it? I'm still trying to formulate an adequate response.

So online dating. I know I said before I'd never do it but this has been the funniest 2 weeks ever. So labor day weekend there was free communication weekend on that one site. So I was like "what the heck" and signed up. I answered all the questions, made Witty comments about myself and my life, but failed to add a photo. No one responded. It was kinda tragic but I understood. After the free communication was over, I got this interesting match. A med student, about an hour away, who loved him some Jesus and was in the Aiforce. Ideally amazing for me, right!? So me being cheapo me wasn't going to pay to see what this guy looked like. It wasn't going to happen. So I facebooked his first name (that's all I knew) figuring there could only be so many guys with that name who was also in med school and lived that close and was an officer in the Airforce. Ok, so I'm fantastic at faceboook stalking. Don't hate. Anyway, I had it narrowed down to 2 possible people. Wouldn't you know, I knew one of them?

So after about an hour curiosity killed me. I had to know which airforce officer, med student who loved the Lord it was so I paid to join so I could see his picture. Wouldn't you know it was the guy I knew. Might I add, we are completely incompatible. That compatibility profile must have had an off day or someone lied on some of the questions. I know I was honest... I'm just saying. So this experience has taught me something very interesting. In online dating, anything is fair game. Saying you love Jesus on your 'about me' section is like a celebrity thanking God when they won an award. It's overly done and rarely sincere.

Another life lesson, I attract the weirdos and freaks. How do I get matched with the "disabled" (aka unemployed) 31 year old who appears to do nothing all day but to shine is grill (the one in his mouth precious). Or the 28 year old "artist". Or the seemingly perfect 26 year old McHottie teacher in Alaska (yeah, that helps a lot). Best yet though, the guy who's "about me" says "I'm the best psycho ex you'll ever have". Yes, sign me up twice, you're the winner, I want you psycho ex. Dear Lawd, even the online dating sites take me to be a sucker.

I went into this thing with no reservation or hope of actually finding 'love online'. I'm not saying it doesn't happen. I've seen it happen. I went to a wedding resulting from love at first click. But as for me, I attract weirdos and freaks so I'm treading water very cautiously. Also, I'm kinda liking being single again. Ok, I really like it. Being in a relationship is exhausting but clearly I want one or I wouldn't be on a dating site now would I. I'm just not 100% sure that I'm ready to give up singleness just yet. That's good though because at the moment, the seemingly normal and decent matches seem no to be communicating with me. I'm not sure what I think about that. I'm not going to lie, I get a little insecure about it. Is my profile not good enough! Are YOU on crack, I'm the best thing this site has to offer! Although, I'm not sure of online dating etiquette. Should I contact these men if I think they're quite nice? I just don't know! Does online dating negate old school rules of engagement? I mean it's pretty obvious that everyone's there for the same reason. It's almost like a drunk going to an AA meeting. Pretty much the same thing.

Anyway my membership expires in January. I hope if nothing else, it yields very interesting blogs maybe even a date or two. I've gotta circumvent this arranged marriage. I now have 2 Nigerian men, one of which is in Nigeria, looking for me a good Nigerian husband so I can "wipe away my father's tears". Someone please save! I'll try not to stay away so long next time. Loves.

It's been a long time...

I shouldn't have left you without a dope beat to step to! - Timberland and AAliyah "Try Again"

Anyway loverlies, it's been a while. How's the fam? Just as I'd imagine them to be. Well, friends, I have a confession to make. I'm a fighter. I figured by now you've already pegged me as the kid who got suspended from the fourth grade for beating a 5th grader to a pulp on the playground. Ok, so that wasn't me. Ok, so it was! So, ok this crouching tiger hidden little scrappy from the hood part of me doesn't come as too much of a shock. Over the last couple weeks though, I almost surprised myself.

In 2 weeks, my car decided I wasn't giving it enough attention so it decided to act a bit (I'm kinda like the pimp and she's kinda like my hoe so I shelled out the dough and went back to her same old tricks), then I ran out of gas on my way to school (pumping gas is for poor people), I became single (which is surprisingly refreshing, singleton, I've missed you), my mother needed attention so she decided she wanted to be admitted to the hospital (only later to check herself out), I had to reschedule an exam (momma being in the hospital turned out to help me out a little), I lost a friend from high school, (RIP precious Andy), and really the list goes on and on. In the midst of all the crazy though somehow I made it through. The Kung Fu in me just kept fighting. Ok, so it was probably Jesus. To be honest, I was conscious that everything was going on around me but I was (thankfully) detached and basking in a sea of peace. His grace really is an ocean, we're all sinking :)

On the good note, I think I did extraordinarily well on my exam. Who know studying actually improves your score? Ha, I'm still not convinced. My car is now safe and has fuel. With my new found singleness my friends are all in a furry to get me married off (haha, more amazing posts about these events as they occur). Although, I'm not all that sure I want to start dating again. No, I'm not painfully heartbroken and just can't seem to move on. I'm just enjoying not having to consider anyone but myself right now. I never knew how much I took that for granted until I got it back.

Completely non-related (ok so perhaps totally related), but have you ever had days where you fail to think about what you say before you say it? Unintentionally, just plain say the wrong thing? I admit, I thought for a while I suffered from an incurable disease known as "Lost of Filter" aka "Diarrhea of the mouth" or "Madly inappropriate". During that time, I felt like I was out on my own all by myself. The random strange and sometimes remotely offensive outburst often got me kicked off the island. I started to believe I was the only one of my kind left. I figured natural selection took care of the rest. Then fate brought more people in my life and I soon realized my condition wasn't as bas as I thought. In fact, in comparison, I have a very mild case. I am actually perplexed as to how some of these people have made it this far in life. Well, no I'm not. I believe this disorder should be classified in the DSM and suffers shall go through extensive treatment that include antipsychotics, therapy and a honkin dose of Jesus. How did natural selection mess up so bad? Just saying. Night loves

Hey Baby, I'm a rockstar!

Big city...
Bright lights...
Sleep all day...
Long nights!
Hey baby, I'm a rockstar!!

Hey darlin loves, just thought I'd give you a heads up as to who I really am but I guess you already knew that. Sooooo I've been in school all of 3 weeks. Go me! Whoot! Test next week. Boo that!Am I studying? Um, er, well.. hmm. Kinda. I've just been suffering from lack of motivation and excess headache and ADD. Hopefully it shall pass.

Since the last time I talked to you, a lot's happened. Like I said, school started. I went to the beach, twice. My car decided that it needed attention in the form of brakes and rotors. Justin came back from Mozambique. He is in the process of readjusting to American life. I don't think enough soap in the world can get the smell of Africa off of him. He doesn't stink, he just smells like Africa, bless his heart.

I really like what I'm learning in school right now. Perhaps Emergency Medicine is on the table again? Perhaps. Cardiology, perhaps. The EKG's are da bomb, the heart sounds are a lot tricky. I feel like this is going to be a good year. But where, oh where, has my motivation gone? It's left me already. I had good intentions to be a great student but so far I'm coming up yay short. Pray.

So, I'm kinda STOKED about next week. It's my first site visit for rotations. I'm glad I have an excuse to travel around the state. I'm ecstatic that I get to see Linds and Anthony and Andrew! It seems like forever since I've seen them. So all the exciting things to come:

1) Site Selection. I will not stress out about it. God will send me where I need to go.
2) Grand Affair (I'm still considering it)
3) Boards

I'll keep you posted!

Where do we go from here?

Seems like the word of the moment between my friends and I is crossroads. If they're not at a crossroad, then they're fastly approaching. The pros and cons have been tabulated but the decision isn't quite ready to be made. Perhaps they're just being flooded with possibilities. Maybe, like me, we're all just feeling the urge for a change.

I keep hearing people say that my age group is just in a transition period in life. I'm calling shenanigans. Every period of life is transitional. As people we're in a constant state of progression. When we stay in one place too long, our souls become restless and hearts weary. The human race was born with one massive case of ADD, prognosis, terminal.

As I begin to embark on med school year deux, I find myself in self eval mode. Question like, Do I want to be a doctor, really? and Should I transfer schools? and Am I wasting my 20s, the prime of my life? flood my mind. Do I have answers? Not exactly, in fact it leaves me in a place of more confusion... the crossroad.

Not the mall, my friend, more like an old dirt road that stops at a fork surrounded by overgrowth. Both paths seem to go on forever, sporadically rays of sunlight dance along each way. And not one path appearing greener than the other. The thicket surrounding each path also casts random shadows and obscures my sight to the sun.

Oddly though, even though the destination is unknown, I feel like each path will end in my blessing. I'm saying that because that's what good Christians do but I feel it deep down in my spirit that God's leaving it up to me. I feel like He's giving me the option. That in itself is amazing. God, Creator of the universe, is giving me a little freedom.

Some people say that there's always a good and a better choice. I'm not so sure I buy that. We make millions of choices a day. Not many of them are made after fasting and praying for a year. I'm not saying sometimes, that's not necessary but I feel like when you get to the brass tacks, most of our decisions are made on a whim. I believe those are the decisions that make or break your life. I think we put so much effort into making 'big' decisions, we feel like those are the ones that matter, but what about the culmination of the small ones? I feel like everything in life is a divine appointment, not coincidence. So those minute by minute decisions help you arrive to that appointment when you need to. I believe there's a lot of freedom in God's will. He trusts us and even when we mess up He can fix it.

So I don't want people to think that I'm trying to be cryptic. I just feel like my life is at one big crossroad. Dear blogworld, here are some things I've been praying about: transferring schools, my relationship with the boy and if I want to be a doctor. I think I've given this stuff way too much weight. I mean yes, they're important but not enough to consume my every thought. I guess this blog has taken a crazy turn. I meant to talk about crossroads, essentially I did I guess. Hope you get something good out of this. Loves not drugs baby.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder

Hey loverlies, it's been a while since we last spoke. I've miss you dearly. Ok, truth moment, not so much. I mean you, as a person, always holds a special place in my heart. Perhaps my Purkinje fibers? Trust me, those are very important.

Last Friday I hung out with my friend Kristin that I hadn't seen in forever. In college we called ourselves Reese's. I, of course what the chocolate, and dear Kris was the peanut butter (in the summer of course). It was great to see her. We had lunch a couple months back but before then I hadn't seen her in years.Last Saturday I went a bridal shower. It was way fun. As it would be, I can not hula hoop, but I can find my shoes and put them on the right feet. I'm just THAT good. I hope pictures were taken, I will share them as soon as I find them.

Sunday I went to church with my cousin Sara. I'd been there a few times before with, but Sara's not been there. It was good. When it comes to her Jesus Sara is outrageous. I love it. After church, Sara, Michelle (a new friend) and I set off for uncharted lands. Sara's parents had a cabin by the river. I think that was the name of a horror movie, no sorry, that was cabin by the lake. Anyway, it was scary enough for me. No cell phone service, out in the sticks, possibly the only person with a year long tan; your girl was worried. BUT thankfully, this cabin was out in the sticks enough that it was just us (the family, and such) so it was no big deal. And someone had cell phone service.

So, I've decided, I'm not so sure what I want in life. I never know really. My heart keeps urging for the city but when I walked into this cabin I was awestruck. There's something about cabins that just make me happy and this one didn't disappoint. It was absolutely gorgeous. I should have taken picture, but my mind quit working. So, we decided we'd lay out (*snicker*) and swim in the river that was like 2 seconds from the cabin.

I was breaking a few key black girl rules of life by this attempt. 1) Hair must not get wet and 2) You know you can't swim. Thing is I was feeling rebellious at the moment. So much for the rules, they're meant to be broken, right? Right! So hi ho, down the river we go. Rebellious, yes, stupid, no. I found a life jacket in the cabin, named her Jean and she became my friend (perhaps til the end, the jury was still out). Little did I know, the water was the least of my issues.

I just realized, that I forgot all I learned at the rafting company. Duh, when the water's low enough for me to touch the bottom, it means there's going to be tons of rocks. Since they're in a river, chances are they'll be wet. If they're there's a good probability they'll be slippery. Thus, walking barefoot on them with small feet was not a good idea. I wasn't graceful in the least bit. By the end though, I thought I'd perfected the art.. that was until it was time to get out of the river and walk up the bank. I felt five years old again. It was quite the production.

I had a great time though. I wish I had taken pictures. The best picture of the day I would have never posted anywhere though. Ok, I probably would. There's that shames me. But It was a picture of me and Jean (the life vest). Turns out Jean was made for kids so she didn't quite fit over the yeah, you know. So Jean wouldn't zip but there were these little buckle things on them so we strapped me in and I was gone. She turned out to be a a faithful friend. We floated down the river. It was a dream. For a girl who can't swim, I love the water.

So, all this to say, I had fun at the cabin. Lots of fun. I love Scattergories. I will own it soon. We should play it sometime. I'm dying to run off to Gatlinburg and spend the weekend in a cabin or something. The best part? Are you sitting? I was without cell phone service for hours and didn't even notice it. It felt good not having to be in constant awareness of my phone and constantly checking if I got a text message. I love text messages. They make my heart happy but it felt good to be disconnected for a while.

I love to feel connected to people be it my phone, facebook, aim or in real life. I think this 'no phone' thing was easy because I had no service and there was nothing I could do about it. I realized though, so much is lost in a text message or a wall post. It's kinda impersonal and it's always hard to tell what someone really means and one sentence can mean 1000 different things. I want to take it back old school. Really, not virtually, know people again. Thus, my drive to delete the old facebook again. Part of this is completely self seeking, because I need to focus on school again, but a bigger part of me is seeking to connect forreal.

Final Will and Testament

I, Meagan, in sound mind body and spirit here on July 7, 2010, hereby state my last will in testament. In the event of my untimely death I would like my funergal to have a Marti Gras feel to it. In the processional to the church, my casket shall be paraded around town and people shall dance in the street carrying those cute little umbrellas. Trumpeters and trombone players are a must.

There shall be not nare one carnation in the whole church or at the graveside thingy. Calla lilies, stargazer lilies and roses only. If there is one carnation, I will haunt you all. As my special music, I'd like the Backstreet Boys to sing something. Anything really, since after this run today, I don't think I'll make it to the cruise. Just make sure to KTBSBPA when I'm gone.

At the "how Meagan touched my life" portion of the ceremony, I'd like people to give toast instead and in my honor drinking Amaretto Sours and Peach Martinis. Stories are always funnier when people are a little tipsy and oh the stories you'd hear. As for my belongings, since I'm still a poor college student, there isn't much but sell it all and donate the proceeds to the "When I failed out of med school, I joined the Circus" because those kids need the money, med school loans ain't cheap. I request that everyone in attendance wear black jumpsuits and there shall be a collective electric slide as my body leaves the church.

As for my remains, I'd like to be donated to the "OMG, They're going to let us be doctors forreal.. this is a bad idea School of Medicine". Thereafter, I'd like my cremated ashes to board the USS Backstreet and scattered in that ocean between Florida and Mexico. You know, the one with all the oil in it. Yeah, that one.

Ok, that's all. Ok, so I don't think I'm going to die anymore but making this final will and testament confirms that I will never run again in 90 degree weather. Perhaps, I will never run again in general. The jury is still out. But keep in mind, no carnations, I will go Paranormal Activity on you, forrealzies. Perhaps studying and exercising was just too much for one day. Oxygen supply to brain has been depleted, signing off.

Spinning Wheels

I'm trying something new. I'm going to update this blog, today, as I take my 10 minute breaks between the Autonomic Drug Lectures. So far, the first one wasn't so painful. It's time to get back into school mode. I'm ready to get this next year over with and take boards the first week of June and take an awesome vacation after! Who's in? I knew you would be!

I'm rocking out to Miss Angel Taylor. It's love, yes, definitely. I forgot to mention that I bought Juliet Lloyd's album. So far, it's not exactly love. She will have to grow on me. In all fairness I've only listened to 2 songs. I'm just not in the mood for her jazzy jazz. This is really fun trying to see what I can say in 10 minutes.

Tuesday night I went to Chucktown and saw the Bartrams and Andrew. Much fun, I love that bunch. We had Mexican and played Balderdash. The evening ended with me having a sleepover at Casa de Bartram. I must pack a bag to leave there. I needed a toothbrush badly Wednesday morning. I'm terrible at Balderdash and Cranium. Those will be added to the "If you want to humilate yourself and come dead last every time, play these games" list. Speaking of lists and games, I've gotten pretty good at Tetris on my phone. Yes, Tetris is older than me and no it's not on a game console but I think it counts as something I can cross off the list of 101 things. What do you think? I vote yes and since this isn't a democracy, I win! Haha!

I ran into a friend from high school at the 4th of July fireworks. It was endearing. We were really good buds in high school and middle school. It's amazing how time and life just crept between us yet deep down, he's still the 12 year old boy who ate coffee & wanted to be a Navy Sniper. He was a Navy medic, not quite a sniper but yet a close enough to check a dream off his list. I sat in awe thinking, he's not 'working on' fulfilling his dreams, he's checking things off one by one. His next venture? Medical school. I have a mixed(I wrote this much in 10 minutes)feelings these days when someone says they want to go to medical school. Initially I swell with pride thinking "Yay, yet another to follow the trail I've blazed" then I remember how much work it is and how stress out I get and how insomniac I become and then I choke back the "don't do it! pllllleaaasssse don't do it." But when asked what my real thoughts on medical school, I speak the truth. I tell the good bad and the ugly along with my scenic tour of year one and all.

As I'm learning these Autonomic Drugs, I think, man, this isn't so bad why didn't I just learn them before. I'll say it again, I love to learn (and thankfully this stuff is coming back pretty quick) but motivation is my hang up. Once I start studying, I love it! Well friends, I have a new motivator:


Yes friends, it says MD students think you're stupid. And yes, there is an apostrophe between the u and the r but it's kinda faint. And yes, I realize the words aren't level and yes I'm ok with that. This girl's not going into surgery, so there's no real need to be all that precise. And finally, yes, it's true. MDs just might think I'm a big pill of quack, in fact, I can think of 2 people off the top of my head that do. One, I don't know personally, but Linds tells me great stories. The 2nd I went to undergrad with and I secretly hope that we get the same rotation spot because I'd love more than anything than to school him. I'm not bitter, nope not even a little. Well folks, I don't think I'm going to listen to anymore lectures today (hey, 2 in the summer and Autonomic Drugs at that is an accomplishment) so I guess I better get off here. I might make friends with some Dubin. I just gotta keep referencing the sign on my wall when I need a swift kick in the rear. Feel free to remind me when I start complaining. Lots of love!!

Somatic Dysfunction

So guys I've jumped aboard the crazy train. Yesterday morning I woke up thinking "I wanna run today." Wouldn't you know I got a text from my super athletic friend sent six hours before saying "Wanna run tomorrow?" I took this as a sign. I had all the good vibes going about this said run.

Turns out, I like running/walking. Especially with Leila, it's very therapeutic. I appreciate that she didn't try her 6 minute mile and expect me to keep up. I double appreciate that we followed each lap that we ran with a lap walked. Over all, we walked/ran 1 mile and walked an additional 3. Total distance 4 miles. Total time 1 hour 30something minutes. Maybe 40something. All the same, it was mostly social. I huffed and puffed my way through the run and played therapist when we walked. You know, listening to another person is a good way to discretely catch your breath? Just saying! And making the person you run with laugh makes them slow down? You know, in case you ever needed to know that. And wearing shorts that creates the illusion that you gots some extra anatomy is always a great point (haha) of amusment. All these factors create for a not so terrible run. In fact, I liked it. I'll try it again tomorrow even though Leila is out of town. Maybe. Ok, I will. I'll tell you about it later.

Anyway, we made friends with a British dude who had knee surgery 2 years ago. He was attempting to run a 6 minute mile. He did it in 6:30. I'm sure he and his wife were thoroughly amused by Leila and I.

There was something really endearing about that couple though. You could tell that they were in love. It was really special. As it would turn out, they have a six month old baby and this was the first time they had been out together in a while. They chose the track at my former high school as the place for their hot date. I, you know couch potato extraordinaire, would have chosen a better spot. I'd say they were in their early 30s, both pretty active people. I could tell by they time they spend on that stinkin track that they both took great pride in taking care of their bodies. Ok, so the husband was shirtless and had muscles everywhere. But after the Britt's attempt at his six minute mile, the couple happily walked around the track for what seemed like forever, intermixing jogging every so often.

I'm not sure why this couple made me smile so much or why I'm telling you about them. Ah, I do know. I'd imagine strictly in the physical, these weren't the same people they married. The wife still had baby weight, the husband's left leg had a huge scar, he hadn't ran in 2 years. I'm sure their hours spent in the gym were replaced with feedings and physical therapy. Yet and still, the love that they had for each other was remarkable. Wifey was timing his mile, cheering him all the way. Hubby giving it his all and still coming up short. Wifey offers her support. While they walk the track, Hubby's completely engaged in whatever Wifey is saying. Truly interested. I have no idea what they talked about but to the British guy it was the most interesting topic in the world. At one point they laid on the polevault mat and talked. They may have even played the 'what shape is that cloud' game for all I know. When they jogged, even though Brit Hubby could almost run a six minute mile, he kept up a playful jog within pace with his wife. This couple touched me. I nearly offered to babysit so they could run more often. Although, I'm not sure I caught their names.

It's amazing that the last thing I'd ever want is for someone other than a friend to witness my shame-fest attempt at exercise I'm glad I got to people watch these two. They were just endearing. Originally, I thought "oh a Brit" flashbacks to Physiology. Although my heart has warmed to old CJ, my original impression of him was pompous jerk. I projected these same feelings upon shirtless running man with wife. It was great to be pleasantly surprised. It was incredible how they just encouraged each other. You could see their love. I know it happens but it's just refreshing to see it.

Another flashback. I babysat a friend's grandson for a week. He was a pretty cool kid from Jersey. Ew, weirdo's he's 10 but the Jersey part is important. I almost wanted to kill him once he opened his mouth. His accent, his matter of speech, and mannerisms to and extent reminded me of my chemistry professor from college. I really had a hate relationship with oh Dr. A. It took all I had not to let my brain slip back into 2004 and accidentally break bad on this innocent kid in 2010. I'm good. We're good.. we're all good. Ironically, this kid reminded me of Dr. A. made me dislike Dr. A a little less. I'm not sure why but I think hanging out with this kid made me try to see Dr. A. as a kid, before he was a terrible professor, when life was simple and all he wanted to do was watch the Yankee's play. Can't really explain it but it was therapeutic. Speaking of therapeutic, can you catch what's wrong in this picture? (btw, I love Awkward Family Photos)

Go Shawty, it's your birthday....

It's official, I'm 24!! What a marathon of a week it's been, let me tell ya. If nothing else, I've learned I can't party for a week and still function. I made it a good 3 days! We'll round off the celebrations Sunday though. I've yet to have the extended family celebrations, and the Bekah celebration and what not. Yes, I'm that big of a deal. So in without further ado.. here's my week so far.

Sunday,Birthday Eve: Kicked it with Jesus in the AM. Partied at Pies and Pints with my medical school buddies (Linds, Andy and Joni), Autumn, Jared, Leila and Brie. I'd like to say, I wish the whole evening was recorded. Thankfully, Leila recorded Autumn's rendition of Happy Birthday. Don't you worry, for your enjoyment:

And yes, that's a cookie cake you're seeing. Brie also performed "On top of Old Smokey". It was a great night for entertainment. My friends are the best. The Birthday Eve Party was concluded by an awesome rainbow. My friends are the best.

Monday, actual Birthday: Began with Lunch with Daniel and Mikita at Ihop. Mikita insisted on the staff singing Happy Birthday to me. I'm game for that. I know some people are way embarrassed, truth be told, I love every single minute of it. I love my birthday, thus it's celebrated for a week. I had dinner with Mom and Autumn at Outback that night and again I was sang to. The night was concluded with my mom's friend showing up with icecream cake and then my friend Holli dragging me to dairy queen.

Tuesday, Birthday +1: Momma's lasagna with friends at the house. Daniel, Mikita, Kaylar, Jenni, Timothee, Kara and Gloria all came over for mom's good stuff. I felt like a prized pig after that meal, let me tell ya. Just stuffed to the brim. But don't you worry, there was still cake yet. Not to mention the strawberry cheesecake Mikita brought. I secretly think she's trying to kill me, I'm just sayin. All this food and festivness was only followed by driving 35 mins to the midnight premiere of Eclipse. Jacob.. drool. I don't care if he's 17, I'm ok with that. Just sayin.

Wednesday, Birthday +2: We got home at 3 am from the movie. Today, I slept. It was real nice. Kicked it with Jesus a bit. No 'real' birthday extravaganzas. Birthday realizations- I'm too old for midnight premieres.

If nothing else this week, I've realized that I LOVE my birthday. It's a reminder that miracles are real and can happen at anytime. Jesus loves me, this I know, for He allowed me to live 24 years ago; from 14 ounces in 1986 to healthy lady in 2010, Hallelujah!! I am positive that I am surrounded by the best people a girl could ask for and I love you all more than the stars in the sky. And I've maxed out my sugar quota for the year in 3 days. My aim is to appreciate and live every day like it's my birthday! Ciao!

Hellar! How you doin?

To all my old loves, I'm glad you found me! To all my new loves, my old blog was

http://docschatz.livejournal.com/

Check it out for all the crazy from the past year of my life.

Don't you worry precious, all of the crazy will still be brought. In fact, I have stories from the birthday extravaganza! I'll give you the skinny when the week's out. Much love.. I hope you like blogspot better, so far, I absolutely do!