I once said, when your life's falling apart, it's like watching your house burn down. There's not much you can do. You're thankful because, you've made it out alive, but at that very moment all you can think about is all your hopes and dreams just going up in flames. As you wait for help to arrive, you feel so hopeless and although you'd like to look away, you're transfixed by the amber flames against the night sky.
I guess I always imagined this metaphorical house burning to happen and night, in the winter while it's snowing. I think that just adds the the appeal. Fire- hot, red, smoky, destructive- against a backdrop of cold, white, gently flaking, seemingly peaceful snow. It just seems fitting. Your life falls apart as 2 oxymorons collide.
I'm not sure why that image just sticks with me. Even in it's fierce destruction I strangely find beauty in it. It wasn't until today I realized why.
I spent this afternoon with my mom's family. It's not unusual for us to get together and hang out but today was different. The reason we were all gathered is because my mom's cousin has pnuemonia. Not too tragic until you add on the fact that 3 months ago he was diagnosed with Advanced Small Cell Carcinoma. That changes the mood completely.
He was to be admitted to the hospital today for treatment of the pneumonia but he demanded that today be spent in the sunshine, enjoying this beautiful fall day with his family. And that's what we did. We just kinda set around and enjoyed each other's company. Appreciated each other for it's days like today that remind you that every day counts.
My paradigms have been shifted again. My world is a little of kilt. My vision of the house burning in the snow has changed from watching your life fall apart to watching your life come to and end. Now what seems like the biggest deal in the world doesn't seem to matter all that much. I remember when I hit my rough patch all I could think about was how terrible this was and what was I going to do next. What do you think about when you know your days are numbered?
I'm sure there are moments of denial. Flashes of regret. Mental notes of what you'd want the last thing you said to so and so to be. Perhaps reliving your best day over and over. Preparing what you might say to Jesus? Procuring a spot in Heaven? Today, I witness the strength and peace, snow, in my mom's cousin. Today, I saw a little bit of glory.
But I also witnessed the fire. What do you do when you love someone so much that you won't let them give up? I watched (admittedly in horror) as his daughter yelled and berated him for not going to the hospital right then for treatment. She kept yelling that one day could make a difference and that she didn't understand why she was there fighting for him if he was content with her just watching him die. At the time, I'm not going to lie, I was a little pissed. The student doctor in me just rose up and was thought "From a medical standpoint, really, one day doesn't matter. He's come to terms with it. Let him enjoy just today with his family in the sun. Yelling at him won't change the situation and this could be the last time he has the opportunity, so let him have it." The more I think about it, the more I see the beauty in her fire too. Had it been my parent, I'd be the same way. No one ever wants to say goodbye. Giving up is so final and we use any tactic we can to avoid the inevitable.
So that was majority of my day. I wish I had a videocamera so you guys could see what I mean. My words aren't doing much justice. I'm convinced today should be in a movie. Not to make entertainment from an very bleak situation but rather an outlet to show real human emotion. I think our lives get too busy to feel anything. We become so consumed with the bottom line that we forget to look for beauty.
As I left my aunt's house, I drove a road that I've driven thousands of times in my life. It's a charming little back road but something about it today was different. The fall leaves were absolutely gorgeous the sun shone through the trees at the perfect angle. Hollywood couldn't have captured it better. I saw God today. In the leaves, sun, fire and snow.
No comments:
Post a Comment