Dearhearts, it's been a while! There's so much to say. I've missed you dearly. I know, I know, I say that every time but it doesn't make it any less true. Lots to note.
First off, I've taken to online dating. Ok, there hasn't been much dating. More like facebooking smoking guys of similar interest and geographical location for a nominal fee. Translation, it ain't going so hot. As I've said before, I have the ability to attract the weirdos and freaks. So far, a month into eharmony, I have been matched with a 31 year old guy who proudly collects disability, a self proclaimed artist (aka, unemployed) and a guy who I go to school with who is absolutely not my type. I've also scouted out Plenty of Fish, Match and Christian Cafe. So far, duds. Plenty of Fish gave me good laugh. One guy's headline was "The best psycho ex you'll ever have"... hey boy what's your number you sound like just my type. I've gotten emails from a guy who thought we'd be perfect together because we were both from Africa. Another was confident that I was exactly what he was looking for. Another insisted on knowing my last name and where I lived. The 61 year old from Memphis that 'winked' at me. I felt the need to shower, twice, after that.
I know I sound kinda desperate. Truth is, I am. My ovaries are dying more and more each day and everytime I turn around another friend in preggo. I don't want babies just yet or ever maybe but I'd like to be heading in that direction. In all honesty, I don't even have a picture on Plenty of Fish and I don't think I actually filled out a profile. I just use it for stalking purposes. How else would I find interesting headlines like the one above? My Christian Cafe free membership was 10 days and it has long expired. My free Match membership expires Friday or Saturday and I'm canceling it because I ain't paying. I did pay for eharmony though. I had to know if the guy I thought went to school with me really went to school with me and you have to pay to see pictures. Turns out I was correcto. I thought 'well, I paid for a 4 month membership so I might as well give it a shot.' 2 weeks into it I got so irate at eharmony that I sent them a stern, ok outright mean, email demanding my money back. I got half and was able to keep my membership til January. So I'm going to give it another fair shake.
I'm kinda indifferent about online dating. Truth be told, I'm kinda a chicken. I'm not trusting enough to meet a total stranger in real life that I met online unless you know he looked like a Roman god. Roman god look a likes typically don't chop people up and put them in pieces in their pick up, right? No seriously, I'm not really sure what I'm after. A relationship? Maybe. I'm kinda doubtful. An experiment absolutely.
I've learned so much about myself in the past almost month of online dating. It truly is like ebay 'cept for people. I'm not sure how fair it either. I'm judging a whole person based on 1-5 photos, a paragraph and because an website said we were compatible. Something about that just doesn't click. I'm not going to lie, if it looked like you hit 1 too many branches when you fell out the fugly tree, I close the match. That's probably not fair. I've fallen pretty hard for non Roman god like guys who had the stellar personalities. You can't really get a feel for someone's personality based on a paragraph. I straddle with initiating communicating with the person who's hit too many fugly branches if I know I'm not physically attracted to him. Not to say, I wouldn't respond to communication if they messaged me first. I've chatted it up with a few guys who messaged me. One, in fact, I think I've made a friend in. So all isn't lost in the game of online dating.
Friends seem kinda hard to find these days. Most eggos are preggo or super busy or live far away or my lifestyle appears too busy or a combination of some sorts. Moving home has been interesting. The most non family interaction I get is at church and mandatory lab. OPP lab is especially bad, I don't know any of my classmates so when I'm looking for my lab partner I always look so lost. Kinda like the kid searching for his mom at walmart. I feel a little like I've missed out on something by moving from the burg. Moving back is a thought. I just feel like I need to find a way to meet more people or something. My life is ridiculously mundane at the moment.
I'm considering a tattoo. I know I'm fickle. Slightly morally opposed to obviously visible markings and too bashful to get one in a place that could only be seen in my skivvies. I'm not sure even what I'd get. I'll give it some more thought. Perhaps a 25th Birthday present? Perhaps.
A final word, I found this quote on a blog dedicated to literary tattoos (which prompted me to think I want one):
“I must learn to love the fool in me – the one who feels too much, talks to much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laught and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool.”
From Love me, love my fool: Thoughts from a psychoanalyst’s notebook by Theodore Isaac Rubin
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