Yes so much really going through my head. I'd like to say one of the best shows from 1994 was My So Called Life. It's all types of tragic that it only lasted a season. Yes, I admit that I was only 8 in 1994 but honest to Betsy I remember watching it. The actual plot was vague as were the details but I remember it existing. I was in love with the show Daria back then too. Man, MTV in the 1990s explain so much of my current outlook on life. Tonight, you know, instead of studying, I decided to Hulu some old school My So Called. What a dream! You should Hulu it too, it very well might change your life.
A few notes, I have so serious Claire Dane hair envy. I'm a hater of natural red heads. There is nothing ever cute about having orange hair, exhibit a, Carrottop. I think a cross between fire engine red and alburn hair is just beautiful. Pretty pretty very pretty. Claire Dane, your colorist is dead on, work it baby!
There was this awesome quote! Here it is for your edification:
"It just seems like, you agree to have a certain personality or something. For no reason. Just to make things easier for everyone. But when you think about it, I mean, how do you know it's even you? And, I mean, this whole thing with yearbook -- it's like, everybody's in this big hurry to make this book, to supposedly remember what happened. Because if you made a book of what really happened, it'd be a really upsetting book." - Angela, My So Called Life
True, forreal. Some of you may know I've been experiencing a quarter life crisis. Yes, it happens often but this one was rather big. I'm not sure what the disturbance was in the universe that day but it shook the foundations of my world pretty big. Just plain chaos. It wasn't a single isolated event though. Definitely a culmination of just random small things. During this time of crazy I've learned a lot.
Like, in many ways I'm a lot like Angela. It's true, I can related to a 15 year old fictional character. I'm still trying to figure it out. More specifically, I'm trying to figure me out. The person I see these days ain't the chick I love. Every so often I'll get a glimpse of the real me and realize not all hope is lost.
I know I moan and complain about how I hate the person that med school has made me. It's true. I do. I can't blame it all on school. As Angela says "just to make things easier for everyone". I admire those people who live life uninhibitedly with reckless disregard of how their lives impact others. I don't actually believe those people exist but if they did, I'd think they were rockstars.
With that said, all in one week I came extremely close (like had I been at school I probably would have done it) to quitting school and I joined an online dating site. Come on there are good stories behind both (especially the latter). I've realized my angst with med school. I've always danced to the beat of my own drum. Always. I've never quite fit anyone's typical stereotypes as to who I should be. Come on, black girl who genuinely loves the Backstreet Boys, doesn't have kids and has never tried drugs-- my point exactly. I've never played much into labels. I've never let one thing in my life define who I was. Being black, a sick kid, raised by a single parent, and my obsession with boy bands are all great descriptors of what I'm about but not one isolated thing defines who I am.
In terms of relationships, I'm a daughter, a best friend, an aunt, a sister, an enemy, heck, even a frenemy, a med student, a blogger, and the list goes on and on. The one qualifier that everyone immediately runs to is 'med student'. I'm ecstatic that so many people in my life are so proud of me. Without their support, I would have quit a long time ago but I have other roles. I'm not 1 dimensional. With that being said, I've inadvertently become 1 dimensional. Most of my relationships have fallen by the way side. I don't have time to get lunch, or talk for 2 hours, and especially not visit if you live farther than like 10 mins away. Before med school, I devoted so much time to the relationships I had and the things that made me happy. If there was a concert that I wanted to see, I was there. Now, I have to check a schedule and see if there's an exam. These days med school takes up most of my life. I have no energy to pour into the things and people that make my life so rich. To be frank, I'm pretty pissed about it.
Everytime I turn around I'm sacrificing another element of what makes me me to molded by subtle (and sometimes blatant) force into this doctor who will one day save the world. I find myself wondering if when that one day comes there be any of 'me' left. Will I still want to save the world or just want a cup of coffee and a cigarette? Is it worth it? I'm still trying to formulate an adequate response.
So online dating. I know I said before I'd never do it but this has been the funniest 2 weeks ever. So labor day weekend there was free communication weekend on that one site. So I was like "what the heck" and signed up. I answered all the questions, made Witty comments about myself and my life, but failed to add a photo. No one responded. It was kinda tragic but I understood. After the free communication was over, I got this interesting match. A med student, about an hour away, who loved him some Jesus and was in the Aiforce. Ideally amazing for me, right!? So me being cheapo me wasn't going to pay to see what this guy looked like. It wasn't going to happen. So I facebooked his first name (that's all I knew) figuring there could only be so many guys with that name who was also in med school and lived that close and was an officer in the Airforce. Ok, so I'm fantastic at faceboook stalking. Don't hate. Anyway, I had it narrowed down to 2 possible people. Wouldn't you know, I knew one of them?
So after about an hour curiosity killed me. I had to know which airforce officer, med student who loved the Lord it was so I paid to join so I could see his picture. Wouldn't you know it was the guy I knew. Might I add, we are completely incompatible. That compatibility profile must have had an off day or someone lied on some of the questions. I know I was honest... I'm just saying. So this experience has taught me something very interesting. In online dating, anything is fair game. Saying you love Jesus on your 'about me' section is like a celebrity thanking God when they won an award. It's overly done and rarely sincere.
Another life lesson, I attract the weirdos and freaks. How do I get matched with the "disabled" (aka unemployed) 31 year old who appears to do nothing all day but to shine is grill (the one in his mouth precious). Or the 28 year old "artist". Or the seemingly perfect 26 year old McHottie teacher in Alaska (yeah, that helps a lot). Best yet though, the guy who's "about me" says "I'm the best psycho ex you'll ever have". Yes, sign me up twice, you're the winner, I want you psycho ex. Dear Lawd, even the online dating sites take me to be a sucker.
I went into this thing with no reservation or hope of actually finding 'love online'. I'm not saying it doesn't happen. I've seen it happen. I went to a wedding resulting from love at first click. But as for me, I attract weirdos and freaks so I'm treading water very cautiously. Also, I'm kinda liking being single again. Ok, I really like it. Being in a relationship is exhausting but clearly I want one or I wouldn't be on a dating site now would I. I'm just not 100% sure that I'm ready to give up singleness just yet. That's good though because at the moment, the seemingly normal and decent matches seem no to be communicating with me. I'm not sure what I think about that. I'm not going to lie, I get a little insecure about it. Is my profile not good enough! Are YOU on crack, I'm the best thing this site has to offer! Although, I'm not sure of online dating etiquette. Should I contact these men if I think they're quite nice? I just don't know! Does online dating negate old school rules of engagement? I mean it's pretty obvious that everyone's there for the same reason. It's almost like a drunk going to an AA meeting. Pretty much the same thing.
Anyway my membership expires in January. I hope if nothing else, it yields very interesting blogs maybe even a date or two. I've gotta circumvent this arranged marriage. I now have 2 Nigerian men, one of which is in Nigeria, looking for me a good Nigerian husband so I can "wipe away my father's tears". Someone please save! I'll try not to stay away so long next time. Loves.
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