We Need Da Funk

Gotta have that funk! Absolutely true.

Just earlier today I was freaking out that I missed six hours of lecture and was SOOO behind that I couldn't see straight. I did my normal pre-exam, "I don't want to be a doctor. There is no way I can learn all this crap by Monday. I will be the worst doctor ever. Why did anyone let me into medical school. I think I'll quit. Yes, tomorrow I will just quit," mantra. It never gets old. I'm not lying. I wish I were. Every time I have this anxious ramble going through my head, I convince myself I'm going to quit. Then, I take a nap (or call it a night) and feel better about it the next day. Today was a bit different really.

I feel like I've been in this "Med school I hate you. Med school you suck. Med school I give up everything (you know, like the cruise) because of you and all you give me is anxiety" funk for a while. No lie kids, 2 weeks ago I seriously thought about it just quitting. I even had a plan. I was just going to go to the Dean and quit instead of taking my exam. It was settled.

Most of this sounds like sheer test anxiety and that I probably need some good drugs and I don't debate you but it's something deeper. I genuinely loathed medical school with every fiber of my being. I felt like I was missing all the good parts of life while holding on to a dream. A dream that I wasn't sure was my mine anymore. Tonight, something amazing happened.

Like I said before, I was six lectures behind and DREADING, listening to this guest lecturer talk about pulmonary crap. I didn't care what he had to say. I just want to know what I need to know and take the test and go on to my next system. That's the mind frame I've been in. Just get through, learn what you need, take boards and go on rotations. Rotations has to be better. Just get there.

Anyway, as I'm listening to this guy, something shifts in me. My deep seated hatred of all things school related lifted a bit. I smiled while looking at notes. It was you know, a hallelujah moment. The heavens opened and the angels sang. Ladies and Gents (probably just ladies), I have found my calling. I shall be a pulmonologist and I'm thinking probably a pediatric one at that. No worries, the kiddos can call me Dr. C!

This shouldn't shock me one bit. That's the kinda doc I always said I'd be. At 12 I'd tell people I'd be a Pediatric Pulmonologist. I'm just thankful that God brought it back to my memory right when I was at the point of desperation. That's how God works though, just when you're about to give up, He steps in. Learning about how all the tests I had as a kid work and what they mean really rekindled the old flame. In the event God calls me to something else, I'm ok with it but I really needed these lectures (literal med school lectures) to remind me that He's called me to do this. I needed the persistent "I hate med school. Die med school die" to really make this revelation mean something. Hoped I encouraged your hearts love. Be sure to remind me of this post when I start my groaning again. Ciao.